Your face is a jimmy john
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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