i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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