Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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