I'm passing your future prison.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
