remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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