Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
