My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
