I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
