The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
