She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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