I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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