i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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