Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
