My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
we're so committed to being not committed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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