If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
