I hate your face
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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