I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
