My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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