I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
