I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
