I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
