A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
