Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
