i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize