Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize