FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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