A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
