then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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