It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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