God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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