Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
