I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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