whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
