Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
