your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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