i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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