What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
