Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
