Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
