Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
