I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize