I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
