I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Semen is not good for contacts.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
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