did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
