i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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