allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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