so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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