My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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