Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
