I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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