The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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