nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
