capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
