He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
