Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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