Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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