I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
