I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
