the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
